LUE: No, You Didn't Turn Out Okay
Jun. 10th, 2024 03:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
notquiteisraeliSomething I've noticed that's uncomfortably common in my generation is this whole "my parents beat the shit out of me and I turned out okay!"
No, you didn't. If you think that hitting people is a solution to a problem, then no, you didn't turn out okay.
There's also the whole "we didn't wear seatbelts or bike helmets and we survived." Yeah, but a lot of us didn't. A lot of us did die from completely preventable accidents.
Nostalgia is a dangerous thing, folks.
Do I think there were good points to the way I was parented in the '80s and '90s? Sure. Boredom can be good for a kid. Unstructured play time stretches the imagination. Stranger danger may have been in the news but in reality it was as likely as it's ever been and as it is now - which is to say, not very. (Fun fact: 93% of children who are harmed are hurt by people known to them.)
On the other hand, I do wish my mom had given me more attention. She was emotionally neglectful a lot of the time and treated me and my brother like we were impediments to her living her life. I don't think that's a generational thing, though. That was just my mother, who was woefully unprepared for single parenthood at the age of 29.
And yeah, I got hit as a kid. I remember dreading the skinny belt. That fucking hurt. My mom did quit hitting me when I was about 13, because she had the uncomfortable realization that I could and would hit back - and it might not go so well for her.
I don't think a lot about how the aggregate of all that has affected me. I know it has, and I have to deal with it. I know that I flinch when people raise their voices. I know that I like my space and alone time. I know that at times I can be pathetically needy and I need constant validation. I know that I dread when people are angry at me.
I wish people would be willing to admit that no, they didn't turn out okay.
No, you didn't. If you think that hitting people is a solution to a problem, then no, you didn't turn out okay.
There's also the whole "we didn't wear seatbelts or bike helmets and we survived." Yeah, but a lot of us didn't. A lot of us did die from completely preventable accidents.
Nostalgia is a dangerous thing, folks.
Do I think there were good points to the way I was parented in the '80s and '90s? Sure. Boredom can be good for a kid. Unstructured play time stretches the imagination. Stranger danger may have been in the news but in reality it was as likely as it's ever been and as it is now - which is to say, not very. (Fun fact: 93% of children who are harmed are hurt by people known to them.)
On the other hand, I do wish my mom had given me more attention. She was emotionally neglectful a lot of the time and treated me and my brother like we were impediments to her living her life. I don't think that's a generational thing, though. That was just my mother, who was woefully unprepared for single parenthood at the age of 29.
And yeah, I got hit as a kid. I remember dreading the skinny belt. That fucking hurt. My mom did quit hitting me when I was about 13, because she had the uncomfortable realization that I could and would hit back - and it might not go so well for her.
I don't think a lot about how the aggregate of all that has affected me. I know it has, and I have to deal with it. I know that I flinch when people raise their voices. I know that I like my space and alone time. I know that at times I can be pathetically needy and I need constant validation. I know that I dread when people are angry at me.
I wish people would be willing to admit that no, they didn't turn out okay.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-10 03:17 pm (UTC)JesusTHERAPY."A lot of boys, especially, don't get hit anymore once they get big enough to hit back and do serious damage. I notice that was about when my dad stopped hitting me and went to threats to pull me out of school and make me get a full time job when i turned 16, threats to cut off funding for college, threats to throw me out of the house, and so on.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 08:29 am (UTC)Corporal punishment is illegal in Israel and has been since 2000. I have no idea how much this is enforced or how well it's enforced, but it's a start. I know that my brother-in-law doesn't use it on his two boys, and that my sister-in-law has managed to raise seven kids without hitting any of them. And all of them are well-adjusted, sweet, well-behaved kids and grownups (okay, I'm prejudiced).
You're right about boys not getting hit once they get big enough to hit back. My father-in-law's abusive stepfather quit hitting him when he was a teenager. He just kicked him out of the house. As for me, my mom cited my willingness to hit her back as evidence of how deranged and violent I was. Classic DARVO.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 02:02 pm (UTC)All it teaches kids is "Not while I'm looking." "Well we respected our—" No you didn't, you didn't respect your parents, you feared them. That's not the same thing, and if you don't know the difference, I feel sorry for you.
How I was raised played a big part in my decision never to have kids.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 08:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 01:19 pm (UTC)As far as "stranger danger" I think there were a handful of well publicized cases that drove the whole thing: Etan Patz, Adam Walsh (whose father of course started and hosted *America's Most Wanted* as a result), and Johnny Gosch, who was the first child to have his picture appear on a milk carton.